NEW YORK (AP) — A federal jury has ruled that New York City police didn’t use excessive force when they arrested a professional clown who left a suspicious device that turned out to be a balloon inflator inside a coffee shop. Alexander Alhovsky sued following his 2006 arrest, which stemmed from an investigation of a report of a suspicious package with tubes and wiring at a Manhattan Starbucks. The bomb squad determined it was harmless, but set up surveillance. Alhovsky went to the Starbucks the next day and was arrested after officers saw he had a similar device. He said he was a clown and used it to inflate balloons. The arrest was voided when a police search of Alhovsky’s home found nothing suspicious, but he claimed that he suffered physical and mental injuries.
Hooray! At long last law enforcement officials are taking a more aggressive stance against the antics of the professional and amateur clown population of our great nation. Thanks to the Patriot Act, long overdue scrutiny has finally been focused on this insidious group of fifth column saboteurs and traitors who, until recently, have been allowed to roam unfettered, unregulated, and unobserved… well, maybe not unobserved. It’s kind of difficult not to stand out in a crowd when you are wearing a rubber nose, polka dot pantaloons, an orange wig, and those really funny two-foot long shoes. Maybe that’s part of the scheme: To be so obvious and routine so as not to arouse suspicion…like a crab in a bird’s nest.
The top rung in the clown world is, of course, the ones who perform for large circuses. These guys and gals are the creme de la creme and are the spiritual gurus of the rest of CLOWN WORLD. They are very effective recruiting tools as they spread evil clown dogma to unsuspecting local yokels who will never find employment in the rarefied air of Barnum and Bailey.
Clowns at B&B who run behind the elephants with shovels and brooms are higher in the clown pecking order than your average local guy charging fifty bucks an hour to hand out sloppy balloon animals or play an out of tune banjo while singing “Happy Birthday” and “Someone’s in the Kitchen With Dinah!” to some snotty little brat. These makeup encrusted goof-offs have been spewing their vile contempt for authority and have wreaked havoc at birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, mall openings, and the occasional strip club gig for way too long!
I once saw a clown make a dramatic entrance to a kid’s pool party. He careened into the celebration on a pogo stick from around the corner of the house and onto the landscaped patio. I will never forget that big grin on his face as he bounced onto a wet spot on the tile and went sideways into the pool. On the way in his head made a sudden pit stop on the edge of the diving board. His giant shoes were rapidly twitching as he floated face down in the deep end. Everyone screamed and a few hollered “Do Something!”
As it turned out I was the only one to take action. I jumped into the pool, rescued the listless fool, and drug him out of the water. No way he was going to get mouth-to-mouth resuscitation so I just rolled him face down and stomped on his back. To this day I wonder if it would have been more merciful to let him drown.
I don’t know about you but I feel really uncomfortable in the presence of clowns. A few years ago, I was in a coffee shop early one morning when one of these creeps walked in and sat at a table right next to mine. He ordered black coffee and a couple of donuts. Upon finishing his first donut he belched, lit up a cigarette, twisted up his face, lifted his leg, and let go with one of the loudest, most disgusting poots that I have ever heard in a public place. Crazy bastard then honked the gag horn on his belt and hollered “Gesundheit.”
“Excuse me, Farty the Clown,” I said. “It’s a good thing that there aren’t any kids in here. Think of the damage you could cause to their fragile psyches.” Asshole blew cigarette smoke in my face and asked if I wanted to step outside and discuss this matter…all the while brandishing a penis shaped balloon in a very menacing fashion. I was sorely tempted but had to resist the offer. Traffic was pretty heavy outside (with the morning rush and all) and I didn’t want to risk innocent kids freaking out if they saw me pummeling a clown to the sidewalk. He was really tough looking for a clown but I figured the big shoes would slow him down long enough for me to deliver a roundhouse to his bulbous, red nose.
I ask this question: If a device such as that described in the above AP article can be used to blow-up balloons, what else could it be used to blow up: A Sunday school, a rest stop, a Department of Motor Vehicles licensing office? I am very afraid…so much so, that I haven’t renewed my own driver’s license even though it expired two years ago. Also, note that the guy’s name is Alhovsky. That doesn’t sound very American to me. Perhaps immigration should also take a closer look at this Mr. Alhovsky? Is he a foreigner? When clowns immigrate to the US are they issued green cards or do they give them some sort of official looking water-squirting fake flower? I personally believe that clowns should be required to wear an identification armband at all times whether dressed in their costumes or not.
The AP article is very interesting for what it doesn’t say. Was Mr. Alhovsky wearing his clown outfit at the time of his arrest? I hope so. One more clown being led away in handcuffs is another blow to this terrorist cabal and can only help to get us closer to the irrational fever pitch that this issue so richly deserves. How can I get in touch with Glenn Beck? Does anybody out there have his phone number? I would really like to get Glenn’s backing as he is one of the only journalists out there with the clout to take on the clown lobby. This situation calls for a chalk board with lots of circles and arrows. I have no doubt that Mr. Beck can somehow follow the six degrees of separation on the subversive clown issue and link them to President Obama and Acorn. What further proof do we need than the folks at the Teabag Rallies carrying giant posters of Obama in clown makeup? Sorry, but our so-called President just looks guilty in that picture. I just hope that Mr. Beck is not a secret clown “fellow traveler” as that ninny, Keith Olbermann, has implied on more than one occasion.
My biggest fear is that, when the black helicopters finally land, in addition to the UN backed North Korean troops, several regiments of Bozo wannabes will also pile out…intent upon a cruel and ruthless imposition of martial law. The thought of Kalashnikov toting clowns standing guard duty on every street corner in this country sends shivers up my already shivering spine.
I think it’s high time that Congress take a closer look at the clown population. An investigation with public hearings is in order if we value our sacred rights as defined by the Declaration of something or the other. I don’t know how effective any such hearings would be, however, because a bunch of clowns interrogating another bunch of clowns smacks of a coverup from the git-go. My guess is that Congress would see wholesale clown prosecution as a precedent that could seriously threaten their own position. Most of the clowns would probably take the Fifth Amendment anyway. Either that or they would just sit there making hammer and sickle balloon figures.
Maybe it’s time for vigilante justice. I have heard it said that nothing concentrates the mind like a hanging at dawn. The sight of size 28 goofy shoes twitching at eye level would send a pointed message to this subversive gang of makeup encrusted criminals. It’s really hard to say how these Manchurian Clowndidates (with their teeny commie bikes) might react to the sight of so many of their brothers being led to the gallows. I can see it now: “Do you have any last words?” says the hangman as he tightens the noose. Most of them probably wouldn’t say much of anything. They would all be wearing the sad face makeup and would only issue a short toot on the little horn on their belts. Transportation to the execution place wouldn’t be a problem as I am fairly certain that at least 25 at a time could be crammed into a VW Beetle.
My greatest fear is that of clowns strapping dynamite under their puffy, polka dot shirts and wandering into a casino packed with blue-haired ladies playing the nickel slots.
STAY VIGILANT, ‘MERIKA! If you see something, SAY SOMETHING!