Rocky D Falls, Sustains Big Owie!

Tell it like it is, Gabby!

Rocky D,  the host of WTMA’s weekday afternoon show and a local Tea Party hero, collapsed last week and was rushed to Reaper Hospital where he was admitted to the intensive care unit for severe blood loss due to injuries he sustained to his knuckles while jogging on the Battery in downtown Charleston.

Rocky is currently in recovery after emergency skin grafts were performed by the eminent plastic surgeon, Dr. William Washington. Dr. Washington is an African-American with credentials from Harvard Medical School and John’s Hopkins. I spoke with him at length in a telephone interview. He stated that he was, at first, reluctant to perform the surgery because Rocky D woke up in a haze during the anesthesia and hollered “The Sheriff is a Nigger!”

Rocky D hallucinates

Realizing that traditional anesthesia was insufficient, Dr. Williams improvised by administering the blubbering, incoherent patient a swift, effective blow across the forehead with a nearby bedpan and proceeded with the surgery.  I was taken aback by this and asked the good doctor if the bedpan was sterile. Dr. Williams responded philosophically. “Well, do you look at life as a half-empty bedpan or a half-full bedpan? Besides, who really gives a crap?”  We both shared a hearty chuckle over the bedpan/crap pun.

I then pressed Dr. Washington to supply some details regarding the condition of the Lowcountry’s beloved radio host with the big nuts (the wing variety). The doctor said that the injuries were sustained over a long period of time and that any health benefits which were derived from the exercise were negated by Rocky’s stooped posture and the extreme difficulty that Mr. D seems to have in keeping his hands from dragging on the ground.

“Mr. D suffers from an uncommon condition called Neanderthaliasis. If allowed to progress any further, he would have eventually become chin high to a goose fart.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if he had jogged on clay or grass,” added Dr. Washington. “The worst thing that could have happened is that he could have stirred up a nest of dirt daubers or he could have stopped to rest while his hands were embedded in a fire ant mound. But concrete and asphalt…no way. He’s very lucky that we didn’t have to amputate.”  When asked about the rehabilitation of the posture problem which led to the injury in the first place, Dr. Washington stated: “It will be a long process. We have referred Mr. D to our Rehab Unit which will be working to correct the posture issue but, until that is resolved, he will have to use twin prosthetic devices to minimize the contact that his knuckles have with the ground. “

I asked Dr. Washington to provide a description of the device and he said, “Actually, it is quite a unique contraption, sort of like a little roller skate. Essentially, it is a plank with wheels. The problem that we are having now is that Mr. D’s insurance does not cover such experimental devices and he will have to pay for it out of his own pocket, assuming, of course, that he can actually reach his pockets to begin with.” 

WTMA Exec Coordinates Benefit for Rocky D

As I write this article WTMA is stepping into the picture and, although they refuse to pay for the devices, they have agreed to hold a benefit concert to assist their beloved afternoon talk jock. I called Rocky D at the hospital to wish him well and to ask him what we as the concerned citizens of the Lowcountry could do to speed his recovery and get him back behind the mike as soon as possible. “Well”, said Mr. D, “if you could sneak me a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a Confederate Battle Flag to decorate my room that would be spiffy. But, to be honest, I need to rethink my life at this point. The one thing that I learned out of this episode is that I can’t continue to be Mr. Nice Guy. I mean, there are liberals out there that need to be called out for the Commie Traitors that they are.”

Welcome Back, Rocky!