Senator Mitch McConnell broke with tradition today and initiated a karaoke filibuster to protest the looming showdown over plans to raise tax rates on the wealthy. Recognizing that reading the constitution ad infinitum and discussing the nutritional contents on countless breakfast cereal boxes (as in Everett Dirksen) to a largely empty chamber does not look good on C-SPAN, the senator opted, instead, to bring in a karaoke machine and entertain his audience with his surprisingly competent baritone vocals. On a personal note, I was fighting back the tears when he sang “Massa’s in De Cold, Cold Ground.”
After a few hours of Stephen Foster tunes and rousing Confederate ballads he gave his voice a rest by blowing a kazoo accompaniment to numerous John Phillip Sousa tunes while enthusiastically marching around the Senate chamber. A goose-stepping rhumba line soon formed. One inebriated Senator dropped his pants and urged his fellow Republicans to “follow the bouncing balls!” Harry Reid then hollered,” I knew Mitch Miller and you, sir, are no Mitch Miller!”
Senator McConnell followed up with a tribute to Al Jolson after applying blackface makeup. That was interesting but it would have been more authentic if he had worn a top hat and a pair of white gloves.
There were cries of racism leveled by liberal members over at the House of Representatives but Reps. Tim Scott (R-South Carolina) and Allen West (R-Florida) rushed to defend Senator McConnell’s blackface performance in a hastily called press conference. “What’s the problem?” said Rep. Scott. “People are just too sensitive these days. Blackface is an important part of our heritage. He was just having a little fun. Everybody should just lighten up.” To emphasize his point, Rep. Scott goaded thin-skinned critics by wearing a burqa and Rep. West dressed as a Native American.
When an aide handed Sen. Mitchell a note indicating that the the C-SPAN audience was rapidly disappearing, he decided to update his repertoire. He immediately launched into the Sgt. Barry Sadler classic “Ballad of the Green Berets” followed by a few ethnic tunes and a Pop-Sixties tribute.
Next, Sen. McConnell delved into more modern music and performed surprisingly good versions of a few Hillary Duff and Kelly Osbourne tunes. Things went south, however, when a prankster handed him some bogus lyric sheets. The good Senator stuttered and stumbled through an out-of-tune version of “She Bangs” by Ricky Martin. Rumor has it that Senator Al Franken was behind this practical joke and a committee will be investigating.
McConnell was finally carried out of the Senate on a stretcher after stumbling through the 1930’s bluegrass classic “Run, Nigger, Run” by Gid Tanner and his Skillet Lickers. Thus ended the history making karaoke filibuster.