Part One: The Yankees Are Coming!
Elected officials in Hanahan, South Carolina, were jubilant as their Nov. 4 election juggernaut surged forward. City council will remain unchanged from its previous incarnation. As the polls were closing, Mayor Minnie hosted a small victory celebration at the city gym. The gathered crowd consisted mostly of relatives, city employees, hanger-ons, and a large contingent of retired northerners who have taken an active interest in town affairs. Many of these folks regard their involvement in local politics as a sort of “missionary calling.”
After the obligatory Lord’s Prayer and Pledge of Allegiance, the mayor handed the mike to a lady standing behind her. “It’s great to be here tonight,” said the woman who identified herself as ‘Yankee Pat’. The microphone squealed feedback as she recoiled, “I’m from Toms River, New Jersey and all my friends Up North thought that Southerners made their living operating roadside cider stands or whittling folksy whirly-gigs!”
“First, let me recognize that I am but one person amongst a legion of northern emigres who have rolled up their sleeves and pitched in to make your land our land…and a better land to boot!
“We have come to lend a learned and able mind! We have come to help you and your poor little inbred, nose-picking offspring…those deprived young kids who ride barefoot on mules to one-room school houses!”
Yankee Pat sighed, grimaced, then broke into a wide smile. “Under our steady and unwavering tutelage, you have made much progress! Truthfully, however, you still have much to learn and we are eager teach you more about…
“Our Superior Northern Ways”
Brief applause…scattered coughing…somebody in the back of the gym let go with a really loud, high-pitched fart…little kids giggled and one lisping four-year-old hollered:
Thumbody Maka Da Ginkey!
Thumbody Maka Da Ginkey!
The crowd broke out into spontaneous laughter and applause then followed up with a rhythmic chant of “Thumbody Maka Da Ginkey!” When that started to die out after about twenty annoying repetitions, the lights were dimmed and a slide show commenced. Yankee Pat launched into an emotional speech about the event that triggered her calling and, eventually, led her from Toms River to Hanahan…
“I guess the first time I became cognizant of the fact that something big and important was waiting for me out there was back in 1972 when I went with a date to see the movie Deliverance. That was a transformational moment in my life. I was like Saul on the Road to Damascus.”
“Almost everyone in the theater was laughing and hooting when poor Ned Beatty was whacked to the ground, his pants were yanked down, and that drooling redneck started to do something to him that I cannot repeat here. The worst part was when he kept telling Mr. Beatty to squeal like a pig while he was slapping him on the head and pulling his hair. Ned was moaning and grunting and, to this day, I still hear his mournful and plaintiff cry!”
Yankee Pat was visibly shaken and her voice was breaking:
“Oink! Wee! Wee! Oink!”
Ned cried….”Oink Wee! Wee-Oink!”
The crowd both heard and felt the connection. Except for the folks at the free food bar, they all started chanting rhythmically:
Much applause, whistles, and hoots as Pat quelled the crowd and continued her discourse…louder and with more urgency:
“I guess most folks will do just about anything if some gross goober with four-and-a-half teeth, a two-month stubble, green stuff caked all over his upper lip, and rivers of tobacco drool drool flowing onto a filthy, tattered tee-shirt that was stink-glued to his simian torso…and let’s not forget the Chubbie and the double-barrel 12-guage shotgun he’s pointing at you!”
This chant was short but energetic:
“To this day, I have an inordinate fear of canoes but, with the help of a therapist, I am working that out in my own way and on my own time!”
Yankee Pat clicked the remote and another slide appeared:
“I was quite upset but my date was laughing so hard he snarfed Fanta orange drink out of his nose. Next thing you know, Burt Reynolds snuck up from the river and let fly with an arrow. The other redneck hooligan started hopping around like ‘What the heck is this pointy thing sticking out of my chest?’
Served him right!
Add to that the retarded kid with the banjo and the seeds were slowly being planted for my present course. It took decades for me to realize my purpose in life but here I am. Thank Jesus for that!
Don’t even get me started on negro chain gang movies, talking mules, outhouses, and those Damn Beverly Hillbillies!”
…hollered Mayor Minnie in her awesome Granny Clampett voice.
Part Two: Let’s Party!
Some idiot in the crowd threw a poorly aimed shoe at the podium while Bill Healy, another northern transplant was speaking. It flew wide and hit city councilman Mike Sally square in the head.
The trouble maker was quickly wrestled to the floor and hustled out of the auditorium. Kevin Cox, who was the acting bouncer, gave the guy a swift kick in the butt. He celebrated his manliness by breaking out in a rousing German language rendition of The Horst Wessel Song for the admiring kids gathered all around him. “Hey, kids! Let me teach you how to Goose Step!” With that, Kevin led them in a disciplined march around the parking lot while he rhythmically slapped a riding crop against his thigh.
Kevin was sporting the sample city council uniform that passed the first reading and appears to be headed for approval. I quote him (from town website) concerning this decision: “Let’s face it. All of us are worried about the growing threat of ISIS or ISIL or whatever they call themselves. Add to that crisis the ungrateful, whining mass of undeserving no-good-niks demanding a minimum wage increase, better access to health care, prosecution of our Wall Street masters, and other communistic thingies…
We felt it was time to take a stand. We are now in a state of perpetual war! We need to look like Warriors! These spiffy uniforms make it much easier for folks to separate the good guys from the bad guys!”
I had to agree with him on that last point.
Meanwhile, back in the auditorium…
Mayor Minnie strode confidently across the makeshift stage to retake the podium…all the while giving two-thumbs up to Yankee Pat. “Thanks, Pat and, I assure you, that we are all grateful as well as humbled by your service on behalf of our community! But…hello…I have an important announcement to make,” she coughed and tapped the microphone. “Is this thing on?”
“You tell ‘em, Minnie!” growled a citizen leaning against a back wall. He was dressed up in a really scary devil/clown costume…a bit strange…but Halloween was only four days past and the poor fellow would most likely find his way home very soon. He mumbled a few guttural grunts that sounded like either Eastern Orthodox blessings or Ancient Babylonian incantations.
Kevin Cox wisely chose not to mess with this fellow.
“There are so many folks who we need to thank for this great victory. Not just this election victory, but the victory we achieved in insuring that the new school site for Tanner Plantation was close to where we wanted it from the beginning!”
At this point, a small contingent from Tanner rose to wave a misspelled banner (We Love Our Mayer!). They blew party favors and lit some sparklers. A city fireman grabbed an extinguisher and sprayed these rowdies. They settled down and enjoyed the rest of the ceremony despite the coat of fine white powder that covered them from head to toe.
Somebody’s cute grandkid waved a pom-pom at thin air.
“Everyone here tonight worked tirelessly to make this happen!” The small crowd rose in unison. Several young children were seen to hold up cigarette lighters and wave them around as their beaming parents took pictures. The city fireman, once more, rushed over. This time the lucky kids got off with a scolding.
Scattered applause as the mayor took it all in: “City Government has been studying a revolutionary new approach to the controlled dissemination of information in a proto-democratic society . To this end, we have been consulting with controversial educational theoritician, Dr. Zipphetta Poinkydome about her dynamic approach to the problem of information overload in our youngsters.”
Part Three: The Ascension of Dr. Zippy
“Dr. Zippy believes that the biggest dilemma facing kids today is that they have way too many choices. Our way of life is under attack! We face a severe threat to our existence if the thinking process goes too far into the arena of logic and reason! We need good, obedient citizens…not a bunch of smarmy know-it-alls wandering around loose….throwing thought provoking wrenches into the ongoing process of merging even more fully into a corporate/government state!
I fully concur with Dr. Zippy’s philosophy and techniques and would like to announce that we will be hiring her as a consultant for this coming school year. Dr. Zippy’s Pavlovian approach to this issue mandates that every child from the 9th through the 12th grade will be required to wear horse blinders. That will keep them focused and on the right path. We will eventually extend this policy to include 7th and 8th graders as well.
Towards this end, city council has unanimously approved a motion to implement this worthwhile innovation. The good part is that it will not cost the tax payers ONE NICKEL! That’s right! Our corporate sponsors have stepped up to the plate once again! The have agreed to cover all of the associated costs! There will be no charge to parents!”
At that point Dr. Zippy took to the stage to model her innovative and comfortable design. A lady of few words, she said:
“Girl can have pink one if want she!
Sorry…no rainbow model for homos!”
Okay, high schoolers, see if I am bull-shitting you. Show this to a few of your school chums and then organize a little group to talk to your teachers about my satirical critique of our local government. Suggest that your class look into what has been passing for democracy in Hanahan. What kind of example are our elected officials setting?
Why does Hanahan city government adamantly refuse to videotape their monthly meetings? I was told that this question was asked at a meeting which I did not attend. The mayor replied that it was an economic issue. They could not afford to hire a new employee to perform this task. Nonsense. They could request bids for a video company to come in and film their once a month meetings. All they need is one guy and a camera for a few hours, You do not need a fancy TV style camera to do this. A simple small, high resolution camera on a nice tripod is all that is necessary.
I know what I am talking about as I have over 100 videos on You Tube and am an experienced video editor as well. I would do it for $300 bucks per month but I bet there are plenty of pros who would do it for less than that.
Another option would be to work out a deal with the audio-visual department at Hanahan High School to send a small team of students who are interested in film work. I bet they would do it for free.
City council wants us to believe that their minutes of the meeting are adequate. B.S. Those minutes are heavily edited and censored.
Note: The photoshop below has absolutely nothing to do with this post.