Recognizing that today’s news audience is more interested in entertainment than news, the powers that be at TV-5 have decided to scrap the current format of local news in favor of a more upbeat, entertaining format that will incorporate licensed Hee-Haw sets.
They will be airing even more viral videos of hilarious kittens, cute puppies. newborn pandas, NASCAR fatalities, granny vs. skunk, painful skateboard and pogo stick accidents. and black bear cubs falling out of trees onto trampolines.
“Some things will remain the same,” said an anonymous source within the WCSC hierarchy. “We will continue to display our nightly quota of Negro criminal mugshots, occasional drunken gun fights in run-down trailer parks off Dorchester Road, and, of course, church burnings. We think, however, that we can incorporate this sort of real news with a vibrant, more entertaining focus on the really funny and/or strange shit that’s going on all around us!”
I asked my source if this decision was made in reaction to WCIV’s decision to incorporate a Laugh-In format in their news hour. “I have no comment on that!” he said, adding, “besides…who gives a crap about Laugh-In? Our polling data indicates that residents of our broadcast area prefer Hee-Haw to Laugh-In by a four to one margin!”
Anchorman Bill Sharpe rid his soul of any vestige of journalistic integrity a long time ago. Mr. Sharpe spends much of his on-air time giggling and exchanging witless back-and-forth banter with the various personalities. He is an expert with the “furrowed-brow” look, however, and draws on this skill when he is reporting on stuff like deadly bus accidents, geezer swindles, salmonella hot dog recalls, and VA Hospital abuses. After a requisite, respectful interlude he is right back in the giggle mode…like a lustful, inexperienced teenage girl that gets a high school hallway boob squeeze from the captain of the football team.
Bill Walsh is TV-5’s go to guy when it comes to keeping Charleston area residents up to date on important topics such as Honey Boo-Boo.
And then there’s Harve Jacobs…standing in front of a magistrate’s office, microphone in hand, giving his nightly slide show of Negro villains along with the mug shots of toothless, drooling meth-heads who got caught accidentally setting fire to their apartment complex. You sure as hell ain’t going to see old Harve anywhere near a big advertiser’s place of business. No point in that because everybody knows that auto dealerships would never knowingly swindle some confused old-timer who brings in his nearly new full-size pickup truck in for an oil change and winds up going home $5,000 poorer…the proud owner of a beat up moped with broken handlebars duct taped to the frame, and a complimentary box of black bananas in the basket. Nothing newsworthy there.
One local new car dealer has a sign in their repair department advertising a tire sale. Buy three get one free it says. I did some checking around and discovered that all they are doing is jacking up their price per tire to cover the cost of the “free” tire.
Not to mention the chain auto repair shops in the area. I did regular business with one of these national chains until they tried to convince me that my vehicle was approaching the 100,000-mile mark and that it was important to get my timing belt changed. I did some investigation and discovered that the vehicle I owned did not have a timing belt. It had a timing chain which, according to the manual, is good for 250,000 miles. Rotten, no-good, sacks of crooked-ass dog shit will never get my business again.
These are just a sampling of the many swindles that big advertisers inflict on a gullible, trusting public. How do you measure the cost of this unconscionable conduct?
When it comes to white collar crime, Big Money always has and always will get a pass from a tightly controlled and manipulated corporate media. Of course, an occasional sacrificial lamb must be prosecuted to make the public believe that everyone is subject to the law. The recent controversy surrounding General Motors is a prime example of how high-level executives are immune from criminal charges. 124 deaths and no prosecution of the sick creeps at the giant auto manufacturer who were responsible for inflicting this unconscionable carnage on the American public…
More to come on WCIV’s transition to the Laugh-In format. This is all I have for now…
An afterthought: I don’t think the folks who stand in front of the cameras at our local TV stations are bad people. Quite the contrary. They are, for the most part, decent individuals who are trapped in a rigid system administered by editors and managers who themselves must kiss the rings of their corporate overlords.
Upton Sinclair, the author of “The Jungle” famously said: “It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on not understanding it.”
That, I believe, pretty much explains why bubbly, giggling broadcast personalities can muster so much enthusiasm and glee in the act of binging and purging a mountain of pointless slop and excreta to the cameras.
They know full well that the vast majority of their audience is composed of clueless, brain dead dolts who happily gobble up the putrid soufflé spewing from their TV screens.
A recent “news” item on a TV-5 broadcast was a plea for listeners to go to their Facebook page and weigh-in on the earth-shattering issue of Halloween costumes. Specifically, they were looking for comments regarding the letter sent to a costume company by a concerned mom concerning the police girl costume as pictured below. Was it too sexual?
This is the sort of reporting that makes real journalists cringe. Not to worry about that, however, because there is not a single solitary real journalist at any of the TV stations in the South Carolina Lowcountry.