Colonel Lester Korn, known affectionally as “Pop Korn” held a press conference yesterday to announce that a civilian employee (whose name he refused to divulge) has been the subject of the most severe punishment that can be administered to non-military personnel. The punishment stems from the fact that this employee repeatedly used his government issue work van to conduct personal business and was seen parking the van for up to four hours at a time in his yard off the beaten track towards the end of a dead end road.
Command officials were disturbed by a facebook posting from some snoopy whistle-blower who also provided photographs of the van sitting in the employee’s yard. Here is the text of the facebook entry:
When asked about the form the punishment took, Colonel Korn said: “The individual in question was forced to run through a gauntlet composed of 4th graders from Saint Ignatz Catholic School. Each student was given a wooden ruler and was told to try his or her best to rap the knuckles of the offending civilian employee.”
Colonel Korn stated that a long, thorough investigation confirmed that this employee had repeatedly used his assigned vehicle for personal trips: “That’s why we punished him to the maximum of what regulations will allow! After negotiations with his union rep, command decided to erase the infractions from his employee file and provide him with counseling. The counselor told me the employee was uncooperative so I arranged to meet personally with this fellow. After a few minutes of friendly back-and-forth, the encounter suddenly became very tense and I wound up hiding under my desk while waving a tiny white flag. Sensing my fear, he jumped up on my desk, whipped out his Johnson, and peed into the garbage can next to the copy machine.”
“I filed a complaint and submitted it in triplicate to his union representative. He stormed over to HQ and knocked down my door with a huge wooden mallet. Next he threw one copy of my complaint on the floor, dropped his pants, squatted down, and crapped on the paper. He then mushed the second copy on top of the pile. Finally, he picked up the mess with the third copy which he put in an envelope which he then put on top of my desk. Next thing you know he was hollering and jumping up and down while pounding the shit-filled envelope with the wooden mallet…kind of reminded me of the comedian Gallagher and his water melon smashing routine.”
“As it turned out, the union rep was an avid follower of Gallagher as well and, over the years, refused to tone down his Fundamentalist concept of the great one while I became more contemplative and Methodist in my hero worship.”
“But I digress!”
said the Colonel as he glanced around to see the puzzled expressions on the faces of the gathered media.
“I wish to hell I had remembered to bring my wet weather gear the day that union rep stormed into my office. I was really angry but had to let it go. The last thing we need at CAFB is a picket line of disgruntled civilian employees. I always try to keep a positive attitude, however, and when I calmed down, I realized that it could have been much worse. Heck…that could have been my balls in that envelope!”
“Let me say also that, although the long term abuse of his dog was quite disturbing and shows a complete lack of character, intelligence, and humanity, it had no bearing whatsoever on our decision. Hell, we got wife-abusers, kid-abusers, and dog abusers all over the place out here!”
“Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of nice folks at Joint Base…but we do have our share of overpaid, underworked, shiftless, two-legged noodle heads who we have to coddle and protect no matter how egregious their behavior. We would rather these bad seeds rip us off than risk one embarrassing newspaper article or TV report. It’s only taxpayer’s money! Who really gives a greasy, peanut-covered poop about that?”
“Lest anyone be concerned about any physical injury that occurred while the accused ran through the gauntlet, let it be known that he was allowed to wear heavy duty leather work gloves and, as per union regulations, he was issued a two-foot lead pipe to beat the crap out of any kid who took the process too seriously.”
“We also had an ambulance standing by in case he did suffered injury. He appeared to be very traumatized by the whole experience so we gave him a six week paid vacation to heal his wounded ego. I will also arrange for yet another catered base awards ceremony during which I will personally hand him the Key to the Chicken Koop. This man is vital to our ongoing mission. Where in heck are we going to find somebody to change the light bulbs in base housing for a mere $60,000 annual salary including generous paid vacation, sick leave, retirement, unlimited health care benefits, paid holidays, and life insurance?”
“I need to take this opportunity to congratulate our crack investigative team which spent valuable time covering up this disturbing matter…time away from their main task of updating their upcoming vacation plans, passing around funny kitty videos, and rearranging their desks to accommodate the new government issue pencil sharpeners.”
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One of the reporters who attended the press conference asked if CAFB officials intend to go after the whistle-blower who reported the employee. Pop Korn quickly replied: “You’re durn tootin’! We’re going to nail that nosey summanabich to a post. How dare he think he has any say whatsoever in how we spend the mountain of money they throw at us! We have to discourage any other do-gooders who dare to poke their noses into our business! We will put him in a raised cage at the base entrance with a sign warning all concerned citizens and base employees to keep their damned mouths shut!”