Preface: I recently viewed the WCBD-TV-2 promo for Brad Franko’s new segment, “Reality Check.” Along with the dark music and the Mickey Spillane hard-nosed detective persona, is Brad’s promise that NOBODY is immune from his ace reporting.
Brad should have added a caveat excluding the powerful and influential. WCBD caved in like a boil in a bench vice when supporters of Tea Party Wunderkind, Senator Jim DeMint, waved their angry peckers…demanding that WCBD remove ads by gay rights organization, Alliance for Acceptance. So much for Tea Party reverence for all things constitutional.
Inside sources tell me that WCBD-TV-2 reporter Brad Franko recently completed an in-depth, yet to be aired, undercover investigation into the gang fad known as “droopy drawer syndrome.” Despite the obvious danger involved in this undertaking, Brad was able to infiltrate a local gang to get a first hand look at these malcontents in baggie pants.
I contacted Brad and was granted a brief phone interview. When asked why he decided to undertake this assignment he stated, “It was an easy decision to go after this group of thugs, known as the Guz Crik Boyz. What are they going to do about it? Hire an attorney and sue the station? These dopes are lucky if they can scrape two nickels together to make a dime. It was a win-win situation for us. I mean, what the heck, who do you think we are going to go after? A crooked new car dealership? Some insurance giant that screws a pathetic old lady when her trailer burns to the ground? No way! Those guys have huge advertising budgets and I have bills to pay!”
Brad continued, “Originally, we approached this as part of a comprehensive investigation into downtown bicycle thefts. I have to admit, however, that we were pursuing a false lead and WCBD management encouraged us to go with the baggy pants angle. I drove the Boyz to the College of Charleston and, even though I pointed out several expensive bikes with flimsy locks, the guys refused to mess with them…hard to steal a bike when your pants get hung up on the chain.”
“Unfortunately,” Brad interjected, “we had to abort the investigation when I realized that my assistant had packed the wrong disguise and the Boyz became suspicious. I was tired and confused due to my heavy workload.”
I asked Brad what was the most difficult part of this assignment: “Walking was a bitch. It took me a while to get the hang of it, especially with my shoe laces untied. On the positive side, however, when you’re bangin’ around the hood with your bros and you gotta run down the alley to pinch off a loaf, you’re halfway there when your draws are dragging. They also come in handy when you need to shoplift a five-pound bag of potatoes.”
Don’t forget to check out upcoming articles featuring intrepid, fearless reporter Brad Franko who is, in my humble opinion, the 21 Century’s answer to H.L. Mencken. First, I will be examining Brad’s hard-hitting video segment on cow-milking.
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Next, I hope to get the inside scoop on the alleged altercation that Brad got into off set with Charlie, the Charleston Riverdogs mascot, after the dude in the giant dog suit dumped a load of garbage over Brad’s head during a live news report. The incident was staged but Brad lost his temper when it turned out that Charlie had thrown a banana peel and a used condom into the supposedly clean trash can
Rumor has it that, during the commercial break, Brad chased Charlie around the studio wildly swinging a Louisville Slugger at the hapless mascot. I am also investigating the charge that Sheriff Al Cannon, who was at the station for a taped interview, joined in the fracas by running around slapping the crap out of anyone who was handy.
It is my understanding that Brad is in the process of conducting an investigation into the hidden dangers of umbrella hats. We should all salute WCBD for its deep concern for the welfare and safety of the consuming public. These folks deserve high praise for their efforts to keep Lowcountry citizens informed on vital issues.
There is cause for concern, however, about persistent rumors which have surfaced about Brad’s early television career in Cleveland where he allegedly hosted a public access show called “Ask Rita the Butt Puppet”. I recently received a grainy, blurred video from an anonymous source who stated that this short lived call-in show was an Ann Landers type of program where listeners were invited to spill the sordid details of their personal life to an obnoxious and abusive butt-puppet.
Supposedly this was Brad’s first attempt as a ventriloquist. Having viewed the video several times, it would appear that (although the host does resemble Brad) there are serious doubts surrounding the actual identity of this person. The individual in question has a rather high-pitched, and quite effeminate lisp that does not appear to be fake. Brad neither squeaks nor lisps. I refuse to take part in disseminating these scurrilous and unfair accusations to a gullible public.
Postscript: Shortly after I published this piece I got an angry email from WCBD editor Bert (Fuzzy) Smudge. He defended his ace reporter as: “a fine example of a slick, good-looking TV personality. Brad is a real asset to the station and we are proud of his deep-cover operations. He has won the SC TV Journalism Golden Kneepads Award on three occasions in the past eleven years so you can screw yourself you mumbling fudge wit!”