Bullshit Factory

WCBD TV-2 Reporter Brad Franko Goes Undercover in Droopy Drawer Sting


we-want-braaaaa-d1Preface: I recently viewed the WCBD-TV-2 promo for Brad Franko’s new segment, “Reality Check.” Along with the dark music and the Mickey Spillane hard-nosed detective persona, is Brad’s promise that NOBODY is immune from his ace reporting.

Brad should have added a caveat excluding the powerful and influential. WCBD caved in like a boil in a bench vice when supporters of Tea Party Wunderkind, Senator Jim DeMint, waved their angry peckers…demanding that WCBD remove ads by gay rights organization, Alliance for Acceptance. So much for Tea Party reverence for all things constitutional. YOU-MUST-OBEY


Inside sources tell me that WCBD-TV-2 reporter Brad Franko recently completed an in-depth, yet to be aired, undercover investigation into the gang fad known as “droopy drawer syndrome.” Despite the obvious danger involved in this undertaking, Brad was able to infiltrate a local gang to get a first hand look at these malcontents in baggie pants.Franko-baggies


I contacted Brad and was granted a brief phone interview. When asked why he decided to undertake this assignment he stated, “It was an easy decision to go after this group of thugs, known as the Guz Crik Boyz. What are they going to do about it? Hire an attorney and sue the station? These dopes are lucky if they can scrape two nickels together to make a dime. It was a win-win situation for us. I mean, what the heck, who do you think we are going to go after? A crooked new car dealership? Some insurance giant that screws a pathetic old lady when her trailer burns to the ground? No way! Those guys have huge advertising budgets and I have bills to pay!”

Brad continued, “Originally, we approached this as part of a comprehensive investigation into downtown bicycle thefts. I have to admit, however, that we were pursuing a false lead and WCBD management encouraged us to go with the baggy pants angle. I drove the Boyz to the College of Charleston and, even though I pointed out several expensive bikes with flimsy locks, the guys refused to mess with them…hard to steal a bike when your pants get hung up on the chain.”

“Unfortunately,” Brad interjected, “we had to abort the investigation when I realized that my assistant had packed the wrong disguise and the Boyz became suspicious. I was tired and confused due to my heavy workload.”baggy-brad-blows-cover

I asked Brad what was the most difficult part of this assignment: “Walking was a bitch. It took me a while to get the hang of it, especially with my shoe laces untied. On the positive side, however, when you’re bangin’ around the hood with your bros and you gotta run down the alley to pinch off a loaf, you’re halfway there when your draws are dragging. They also come in handy when you need to shoplift a five-pound bag of potatoes.”

Don’t forget to check out upcoming articles featuring intrepid, fearless reporter Brad Franko who is, in my humble opinion, the 21 Century’s answer to H.L. Mencken. First, I will be examining Brad’s hard-hitting video segment on cow-milking.

Click to Enlarge!

Brad Franko milks cow

Next, I hope to get the inside scoop on the alleged altercation that Brad got into off set with Charlie, the Charleston Riverdogs mascot, after the dude in the giant dog suit dumped a load of garbage over Brad’s head during a live news report. The incident was staged but Brad lost his temper when it turned out that Charlie had thrown a banana peel and a used condom into the supposedly clean trash canBrad-gets-trashed-final

Rumor has it that, during the commercial break, Brad chased Charlie around the studio wildly swinging a Louisville Slugger at the hapless mascot. I am also investigating the charge that Sheriff Al Cannon, who was at the station for a taped interview, joined in the fracas by running around slapping the crap out of anyone who was handy.

It is my understanding that Brad is in the process of conducting an investigation into the hidden dangers of umbrella hats. We should all salute WCBD for its deep concern for the welfare and safety of the consuming public. These folks deserve high praise for their efforts to keep Lowcountry citizens informed on vital issues.

There is cause for concern, however, about persistent rumors which have surfaced about Brad’s early television career in Cleveland where he allegedly hosted a public access show called “Ask Rita the Butt Puppet”. I recently received a grainy, blurred video from an anonymous source who stated that this short lived call-in show was an Ann Landers type of program where listeners were invited to spill the sordid details of their personal life to an obnoxious and abusive butt-puppet.

Supposedly this was Brad’s first attempt as a ventriloquist. Having viewed the video several times, it would appear that (although the host does resemble Brad) there are serious doubts surrounding the actual identity of this person. The individual in question has a rather high-pitched, and quite effeminate lisp that does not appear to be fake. Brad neither squeaks nor lisps. I refuse to take part in disseminating these scurrilous and unfair accusations to a gullible public.

Postscript: Kudos to Brad for his recent report about East Side kids defacing the sidewalks with their hop-scotch doodles! My daughter’s cat, Bella, loved that expose!brad-and-bella
Brad Franko TV-2 ace reporter


Fuzzy-SmudgePostscript: Shortly after I published this piece I got an angry email from WCBD editor Bert (Fuzzy) Smudge. He defended his ace reporter as: “a fine example of a slick, good-looking TV personality. Brad is a real asset to the station and we are proud of his deep-cover operations. He has won the SC TV Journalism Golden Kneepads Award on three occasions in the past eleven years so you can screw yourself you mumbling fudge wit!”




Frozen Turkey Bowling with Dean Stephens

Episode 301 - Turkey Bowling

On the day before Thanksgiving after partaking of the best ham I have ever consumed, along with some really great mashed sweet potatoes, corn, and beans, I found myself flopping on the couch and flipping through the channels on my TV. Flopping and flipping. I like the sound of that, especially on a full stomach.

It was early evening so I figured I would tune into the local news. I punched 4 on the remote to view WCIV-TV. That’s the ABC affiliate station right here in my hometown of Charleston, South Carolina. The show was about halfway over and they were broadcasting a piece featuring award-winning reporter Dean Stephens. The segment wasn’t live. It was filmed in a local grocery store and taken back to the station for editing. In the segment, Mr. Stephens was making pals with the customers in the grocery store and trying to get them to join him in a friendly game of Frozen Turkey Bowling. Dean was shown grabbing some makeshift bowling pins (in the form of Pringles Potato Chip cans) and setting them up in the aisle, then having the participating customers see how many they could knock down.

run-spicy-guacamoleThe editing on the piece also required a close-up shot of Dean in front of the Pringles display announcing that there were several different flavors available and that he was going to use a representative sample of each variety as targets for the frozen turkey. Old Dean killed two birds with one stone. He managed not only to entertain this consumer but to educate me as well. Kudos!

“Must Buy Pringles,” I muttered to myself as I burped, drank some sweet tea, and just lay there… transfixed by the masterpiece of performance and editing that was unfolding before my grateful eyes.

The piece continued with footage of giggling, hooting customers sliding the frozen bird across the floor towards the doomed Pringles Cans. Dean chimes in: “Hey, A Strike!” and “Oops, You Left the Ten Pin!” One participant utters a frustrated “Dang! Great interaction with customers. Precision editing. Provocative imagery. This Turkey Bowling Segment has it all!

Enthralled by this awesome presentation, I turned off the TV and rushed to my computer. Slow startup…Hurry! Hurry!… I need to know! “Damn Google,” I sputtered angrily! I was really anxious to get the lowdown surrounding my new media hero, Dean Stephens. I gleaned the following biographical notes from WCIV’s website: “Over the years, Dean has demonstrated strong leadership and dedication to the television station and the community. In our pursuit of greater commitments to the Charleston community, Dean Stephens’ devotion rises to the top. He sets an example that everyone will follow. Dean has earned over 20 industry awards: including Best Sportscaster and Best Reporter in the State of South Carolina as well as in the Southeast.”

Wow! That is some resume! I can only speculate that, if Mr. Stephens focuses his career more on frozen turkey pranks and less on investigative reporting, he will soon be propelled into the national spotlight. Indeed, Dean is “an example that everyone will follow.” Who knows what heights he could achieve? Maybe Dancing with the Stars could do a spinoff called Dancing with the Media Stars and invite Dean to do the Cha-Cha, a Mambo, or a Waltz in front of a national audience.

Too bad this kind of television reporting wasn’t around when Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite were at their peak. Who knows what alternate turns history may have taken? Could Sen. Joseph McCarthy have been elected president if Mr. Murrow had been reveling in the limelight, stepping on Hollywood Bimbo toes and way too distracted to worry about whether a bunch of silly Commies had infiltrated not just our government, but Hollywood and the American literary establishment as well?

How would the Cuban Missile Crisis have played out if Kennedy and Khrushchev had been challenged by an eminent reporter to dance cheek-to-cheek instead of rattling the sabers of nuclear destruction? And, if Walter Cronkite had been Tiptoeing Thru the Tulips with Tiny Tim instead of verbally pummeling President Nixon, would the Vietnam War be entering its fiftieth year? Inquiring turkeys…oops, I mean minds, want to know!

Heigh-Ho! Heigh-Ho!

I don’t know about you but if I saw some guys with microphones and cameras wandering around my favorite grocery store and one of them asked me if I wanted to hurl a frozen, plastic-wrapped 13-pound bird down the aisle at a bunch of potato chip cans, I would delightfully agree to do so but would promptly toss the turkey at a nearby wine display or knock down as many glass pickle jars as I could, then state that I was legally blind and clearly not responsible, leaving them shaking their heads and wondering if their budget would allow for the damage. Clean up on aisle two,” hollers the manager through the store PA system then adds, “Bring two buckets.” Either that or I would hurl the wayward turkey two aisles over and hope that it wouldn’t land in the cart of some old guy with an oxygen cylinder who was pushing a cart full of Depends and Metamucil.

I would love to see the out-takes of this segment. I wonder how long the crack news crew from WCIV stayed in the grocery store and if, towards the end of the experience, the turkey might have gotten a bit soft and soggy and, instead of sliding and rolling easily, would land with a sickening plop a few feet short of the hapless Pringle cans, squirting out a barrage of liver, gizzard, and neck-bone onto an unsuspecting reporter. That would get a lot more hits on YouTube than the common Frozen Turkey Bowling bit.

Mr. Stephens deserves high praise in that his pants zipper was not down, his shoes were on the correct feet, and there were no tell-tale gooey objects on the tip of his nose. Add that to the gizzard/liver/neck-bone scenario and you would get some serious hits on YouTube.  Not as many hits as the popular Watch Me Squeeze the Giant Boil On My Neck video, but a respectable view count nonetheless.huge-neck-pimple

I am sure that turkey bowling would get a lot more hits than the infamous Meth-Head Clown Hitchhiker with Axe video. That film is more creepy than funny.

See the Puppies

Truthfully, grocery stores can be pretty weird places at times and you could be taking fate into your hands when you tell some stranger that it’s okay to chuck a frozen turkey. You just never know who you are talking to and what their reaction may be. What if it is some wino who has a T-Bone steak and a bottle of Mogen David wine shoved down his pants? I guess if I was in his position I would go ahead and bowl the turkey so as not to arouse suspicion…and hope that the wine did not loosen its precarious perch next to my crotch and slide down my pants onto the floor. If I were to shoplift a bottle of cheap wine and a steak, I would probably shove the wine down the front of my pants and squeeze the steak down my backside. That’s just me, however, and your own shoplifting techniques may vary.

Totally unrelated Photoshop from another Dean Stephens post on this blog.

Anyway, the point of this whole exercise is not to criticize Dean Stephens or Channel Four. They were just providing a little fluff to a fluff-hungry public and what could be wrong with that? I must point out, however, that the concept of the piece was hardly original and that it had an air of quiet desperation about it. I mean, Mr. Stephens must have felt pretty dumb for at least a moment in the process leading from concept to broadcast. He looked to be a bit on the resigned side and appeared to be perspiring. Flop sweat, perhaps?

I wonder how this process works. I mean, was there a staff meeting where Mr. Stephens boldly presented this idea or was it conceived by another employee?  I can see it now: “Hey, the economy is tanking, the country is mired in unemployment, foreclosures, homelessness, war in Iraq and Afghanistan, revolution in the Middle East, and the potential for a huge conflict in Korea so what are we going to do about it as responsible members of the media?” Silence… then somebody blurts out: “Frozen Turkey Bowling!” and the room erupts in spontaneous cheers, back-pats, thumbs-up, and friendly noogies.

Problem solved. “Let’s roll with the Turkey!” says someone in authority and, like the Keystone Cops, the staff runs about willy-nilly and hither-dither, bumping into walls and doors in a rush to make arrangements to get to the grocery store with a camera, crew, and star.  Good thing there wasn’t a rake on the floor. “Times a’ wastin’!” shouts the station manager, “There are Turkeys to be bowled!” Do news vehicles have emergency lights and sirens? I certainly hope so.


Photo lifted from Badclown.com. I added the WCIV lettering.

I watched an interesting science TV show some months back. I can’t remember for sure which network it was on but the subject matter was parallel dimensions. There was a bevy of eminent physicists and scientists explaining the mathematical concept of multiple  (if not unlimited) worlds existing alongside our own. Each of us may have a twin in countless other universes.

They also discussed the probability that these worlds would be an approximation of our own, not an exact copy. Alike, yet different. An interesting theory.

I wonder if there is a parallel universe with another  WCIV staff and another Dean Stephens sitting in a conference room planning a quirky Christmas segment? Someone suggests that Dean stand on the side of the road and encourage passersby to hurl a ceramic Santa Claus head at a blow-up Nativity Scene. Time to fire up the clown car…


“They haunt me in my dreams.” -Dean Stephens


Charleston County DSS Gives Custody of 3 Year Old Boy to Self-Professed Witch.

I started babysitting Aiden Hodges when he was six months old. For the next twenty-eight months, I grew to love the little fellow. He called me Papa Greg. I have no idea where he is now as I have no contact whatsoever with him. His mother just had a second child with a different father, this time a convicted violent sex offender. I  pray for a miracle and hope he is doing well.


The woman who was given custody has utilized numerous aliases on Facebook. Below is one of them.    Note that all of the Facebook comments that I post here were also sent to DSS.  I have a hard time believing that this agency’s standards are so low that this obviously disturbed individual would be given custody of a smart, sweet little child like Aiden.                                                                                  

Another pathetic Facebook post:

Stay tuned as I post more of her rants. In the interregnum, I am including a few of my favorite pictures of Aiden. Hope he is okay. I am worried about his safety and well-being. No information, or updates from DSS. Where the heck is he now? Do they even know? Do they care?


Above is a picture of the run-down trailer on Dorchester Road where he lived with his mom and grandmother. Very dangerous. Filthy as well.

Aiden always made me laugh.
He liked to play hide and go seek.


Aiden Loves Dinosaurs
Today Paper Towels…Tomorrow Toilet Paper
He was the light of my life for 28 months.


The Hartford CEO Chris Swift is Bullish on Possum Futures

Click to enlarge photoshops for greater detail. Note that this post is a work in progress. Check back periodically to see additions and/or alterations to images and text. I still have to work in some new Consumer Cellular pics.

I warned this crooked corporate stooge to back off with his bogus collection attempts but, alas, he did not listen. AARP attorneys registered a complaint with YELP to get my negative review removed as it had a link to this blog. Somehow they convinced the folks at YELP that this was a promotion of my “business” and the review was removed. To no avail, I told YELP that this blog was not a business. I did, however, rework the contents of my complaint and reposted them on YELP. They also succeeded in getting my negative review of Consumer Cellular removed for the same reason.

No big deal if YELP removes them again, however, as there are lots of review sites which I can go to with my complaints against these two AARP promoted scam companies. Ripoff Report is an excellent choice. I used the Pony Express theme here because it lasted less than a year and was soon replaced by the telegraph. Consumer Cellular is overpriced and of low quality. Its employees are a deranged little cult who take it personally if you try to quit their plan. They will harass you nonstop when you try to exit.

I can see these lawyers now. Celebrating their pyrrhic victory with high-fives and cupcakes. What a pack of simple-minded schlubs! They were also pissed off because I referred to their client as The Fartford. That’s really catchy from a creative standpoint. Lots of possibilities in that theme (see below).

I have a degree in History and am very interested in that aspect of the Hartford. I discovered that the company was founded in 1921 by a former 3 card monte street hustler and pickpocket named Bert Smudge (AKA Fuzzy).

When he lost two fingers in a disastrous attempt to pick the pocket of a notorious mafioso, Fuzzy decided that white-collar crime was a safer alternative. After a failed attempt as a chop shop operator and another losing proposition with an opium elixir he called “Dr. Fuzzy’s Magic Cure All and Rat-Be-Gone”, he founded the Hartford.

               Fuzzy is widely considered to be the inventor of the fake
                  dog turd and the fly in the plastic ice cube gas as well.

Because of his ingrained criminal proclivities, poor old Fuzzy spent much of his earlier life wearing a suit made from tar and feathers. As a result, this arcane punishment became a rite of passage for those wishing to ascend to the executive ranks of the company he founded.

Now, here is the plan…and I want you to listen closely. I am going to create a photoshop nightmare for your clients. If you don’t believe that I am capable of this I would suggest that you google the following: “Bob Smith Palmetto Goodwill”. Next, click on Images. You will notice that I have at least a hundred photoshops of this crooked turd on his images page. I literally own his images page and have made him the laughing stock of Charleston, SC. He deserves it. I even created a blog dedicated exclusively to the rotten, dishonest “charity” which he runs. Google “Did Palmetto Goodwill CEO Lie to the Charleston Post and Courier?” Read that and you will understand why this creep got into my crosshairs.

Early on I got the obligatory warning from Goodwill’s giant law firm (Nexsen Pruet). I guess they thought that I would immediately take down the above-mentioned article as I shivered in my pee-filled boots. I basically told them to go ahead and sue me. I said that the first witness I would call would be old Lyin’ Bob himself and I would ask him but one question: “Sir, you lied to the oldest newspaper in the South. Are we supposed to assume that you would not lie in this courtroom as well?”

Nexsen Pruet realized that it was best to let sleeping dogs lie and they quietly slithered away. They probably realized that their client was not just a crook but a moron as well. Too bad they didn’t sue me. I could have used the publicity. I could beat them Pro Se.

Put away those cupcakes, dudes. Gird yourself for battle. Take your best shot. Like Lyin’ Bob Smith of Palmetto Goodwill, Chris Swift of the Hartford and John Marick of Consumer Cellular are little more than a couple of goofy corporate turds…protected and promoted by AARP.

Both of these companies represent the worst that American Capitalism has to offer. They, along with AARP, deserve the censure and ridicule which I intend to deliver…



Bigfoot and Boiled Peanuts

Cryptozoology is the study of creatures which are outside the boundaries of proven science. This pseudo-science relies mostly on legend, folklore, and anecdotal tales from all over the world. I was inspired to write this article by a show that I saw on the Discovery Channel about Bigfoot. I have noticed that many of these shows are similar in that an “expert” is interviewed while sitting behind a desk upon which there is little more than a globe, a stapler, a few disheveled files, and a bookcase against the wall. A closer look would probably reveal that the selection is mostly Reader’s Digest condensed books, Nancy Drew Mysteries, and Clive Cussler paperbacks.

        Hey, Buddy u got sum loose change?

I saw one of these shows where the expert had a map of Mars behind him on the wall. The map was covered with multicolored tacks. My guess is that he had been the victim of multiple alien abductions and that he was keeping track of his encounters. It’s probably a good thing that he was sitting behind a desk because was probably wearing aluminum foil pants and shoes to protect himself from dangerous Boonga-Noonga waves which (as everybody should know) are being beamed to the crust by an advanced civilization of super-intelligent reptilian or insectoid beings which inhabit the hollow core of our planet.

Edgar Hoover used to sit behind his desk during those old pre-movie newsreels because he liked to wear five-inch heels around the office while he was busily planning blackmail schemes with the contents of his secret files. The photoshop below has nothing to do with the subject at hand but is included because I feel the need to add a bit of comic relief to an otherwise serious subject.

The witnesses are usually interviewed in the woods at the site of their experience. The guys are almost always wearing plaid shirts and hats with ear flaps. with the constant drool of tobacco out of the corner of toothless mouths. In this particular show, the dude was relating how he awoke in the middle of the night to make an urgent trip to the campground outhouse when he returned to his camping space to find Bigfoot sitting in front of the campfire toasting marshmallows and grunting out the lyrics to Kumbaya.

I saw another of these shows where the fellow described pretty much the same experience except, when he returned to his campsite, Bigfoot was roasting the family Shitzu on a stick. The fellow had a strange nervous tic that started at the shoulders, then to his neck, finally culminating in a flurry of eye blinks and a horse-like whinny sound. Standing next to him was his wife, a  large scabby woman wearing oversized, bejeweled, I Love Lucy eyeglasses resting on a nose that resembled a boiled peanut. She didn’t say anything but just stood there nodding her head profusely while her man recounted his harrowing experience.

Why is it that Bigfoot never reveals himself to normal believable people? Why doesn’t he show up at High School basketball games or Church Bingo?

I think it is time for the Sasquatch population come out of the woods and assimilate. I am certain we would welcome them with open arms…much like the native Americans became an integral part of our colonial and westward expansion experience. We should allow Canadian and European Bigfoots to immigrate. Mexican Bigfoots, however, should be required to go through a lengthy process so that, after a few years of bureaucratic stalling, they could be summarily rejected since they will most likely vote Democratic. The last thing we need is for a bunch of elected Mexican Bigfoots hollering for universal health care or paving the way for their hairy cohorts can take over our flea markets.

I think this would be a big step towards reestablishing our system of checks and balances. I mean, what could a lobbyist offer a Bigfoot congressman in the way of a bribe? A bushel basket of sweet potatoes? A Hula-Hoop? I could be wrong, however, because I am fairly certain that Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell would be willing to flush the least among us down the toilet for a lot less than a sweet potato or a Hula-Hoop

I wonder where Bigfoot voters would stand on crucial issues such as abortion. Would they be in favor of a hairy woman’s right to choose or would they show up at abortion clinics carrying huge posters of mangled, aborted sasquatch babies?

I wonder also if there is a significant gay/lesbian population amongst the Bigfoot community. I do not watch porn on the internet but, from a strictly scientific perspective, I would like to see a couple of bigfoot lesbians in some steamy strap-on action.

Harve Jacob Turns Yet Another Trick for WCSC TV-5

I viewed the so-called prostitution sting last night on channel 5 news. Harve Jacobs was in predictable form. He made a big production of showing the faces of the sad, lonely men who got dredged up in this pathetic piece of journalistic drek. What a soulless, heartless schmuck.

It was just last week that WCSC sent their ace investigative reporter to a pissant hole in the wall used car lot in Moncks Corner to report on a customer who got swindled by the creep who owns the business. Yup, the guy got screwed. No doubt about it.

Just a few days ago I took old Harve to task in an article on this blog for his habit of going after low-hanging fruit. If this used car dealer had a big advertising budget this story would have been squashed in a heartbeat.

I was surprised Harve wasn’t wearing a bullet-proof vest and a tactical helmet at the prostitution sting. What are the chances you will ever see this squinting fool standing outside a Walmart reporting on the living wage? Or going after one of the many crooked new car dealers in the Lowcountry?


Parody and the Law

The information below was copied from the following website:


When the United States Founding Fathers framed The Constitution, they made sure that Americans would always have the right to peacefully protest and criticize. 

In America, one of the forms of criticism that’s specifically protected is parody.

A parody is a work that imitates another work for the purpose of ridicule or ironic commentary. The US Supreme Court recognizes parody as a protected form of free speech, and parodies are even given special rights under copyright law.

As a result of hundreds of years of protecting parodies, the concept of parody has been firmly rooted in American culture. Parodies of celebrities and public figures are on popular television and radio shows. There are also parody magazines, parody songs, and entire parody movies. There are even parody websites.

Ironically, politicians themselves are among the most frequently parodied figures


WCSC TV-5 Investigative Reporter Harve Jacobs Goes Undercover

In his never-ending quest to expose corruption and to seek out truth and justice for our Lowcountry citizens who have been swindled by local businesses, Harve Jacobs once again has proven his mettle and determination with his recent report regarding a less than honest Moncks Corner used car dealer. 

TV-5 has become a local leader in their ground breaking drone coverage. Now they have the hidden Chihuahua Cam! Kudos for a job well done!

Responding to criticism that Harve and TV-5 only pursue low-hanging fruit in these “investigations”, a spokesman for WCSC stated: “WTF! You don’t really think we would go after a big new car dealership now, do you? I would just as soon try to stick my pecker in a rabid mongoose’s behind than to mess with one of those powerful moneybags. They have huge advertising budgets! That penny ante schmuck in Moncks Corner probably spends fifty bucks a month with some shitty local coupon mailer. If he has a really good month he might pay some stumbling drunk twelve bucks a day to spin a sign in front of his business”.